landing.

Sorry for “faithful readers” (whatever that means…and if there are any of you out there!) it has been so long since I have written about my final days in Kenya..It is a difficult topic to discuss and I have somewhat avoided it because 1) the thought of it makes me cry (even writing it down brings tears) 2) it makes it real. But another part of me likes the opportunity to write down my thoughts and experience in one place and the ease of writing it to a computer is an interesting yet somewhat easier task…so here goes this sappy yet very real post:

Leaving the baby house was hands-down the hardest thing I have ever done. These kids have become my babies, the ones I look forward to coming home to, the toddlers who I have played with every day, who I love talking to and holding them close. and leaving my Annabelle who I have raised from her “day 1” who knew me as mama and who I knew incredibly well- all of her coos, cries, schedules, likes and dislikes- everything. I loved her as my own child.

But I know that God’s timing is good and I know that this trip in Kenya is finished. Goodbyes happened quickly otherwise they wouldn’t have happened. My goal the whole time: express my love and avoid the word “goodbye” if at all possible. starting with the aunties, my friends for 4 months, women of God whom I love as my sisters in Christ…seeing them cry made me cry even harder, all I could tell them was that I love them and that I would see them one day. Soon.

I went down the line of babies and boys:

telling Lizzie how special she is, how much I love her, that God has great plans for her.

giving Miah kisses telling him to be a good boy for the aunties and how I love him,

giving Joseph, David, William and Winnie kisses leaving Annabelle for last…the most difficult. I held her and cry asking God to help me remember every part of her.

I tell her everything I have told her every day of her precious life: how special she is, to "remember me baby girl", that she is perfectly beautiful and how much Jesus and I will always love her. I tell the aunties to take care of her and love her for me. They promise with serious faces and I can leave because I trust them. Jesus is there and they are loved. And having seen God’s provision and plans for these children come to completion I am confident that His plan for Annabelle is so special. I pray that her forever family will love her and be blessed by her as much as I have these 7 weeks I was with her and I know that God’s plan will answer that prayer.

I tell myself that the painful separation had to happen and said aloud, “Jesus loves Annabelle more than I do. Jesus you love her more than I do. It’s time to go.” And gave her a kiss goodbye and felt like my heart was ripped apart.

The final blow to the terrible situation: walking to the car and seeing little Antony,

one of the boys I love and was close to, sitting behind a tree watching me leave with tears running down his face. He knew and felt the pain I was feeling and that connection we had when i saw him there (though I quickly looked away otherwise I would have actually fallen apart) is something I will never forget and i pray he knew how much those tears meant.

Driving away God whispered 2 things to my heart: “I love them more than you.” and “be assured that you have loved them well.” which brought a wave of peace in the midst of the pain. I love these beautiful people, my friends and babies, because God first loved them.

After a few days of constant tears and realization that my time was finished here for now, I began my journey home. It was a very smooth flight (thanks to over-the-counter ambien!) but landing in Detroit was an unexpected struggle. Hitting US soil brought a sinking feeling and another round of tears, realizing that I am actually home…and nobody is with me. We were on continents separated by days of travel.

Since being home I have been blessed but also very fragile. I tear up often when telling stories, still can’t listen to the songs I listened when up at night with Annabelle, and my stomach churns with missing my babies daily. I constantly stare at pictures and it is surreal to know that it is all over and to process all of the things God has changed in my heart, all of the lessons I have learned (which will probably be a totally different blog post), all of the people I have loved. But I cling to the knowledge and promise that God’s love is everywhere. That he is overwhelming those I love with that love and that he has them under his wing, in his care…and I thank him every day for the opportunity to be there.

no words..

yesterday was the dreaded day...i left the baby house and it was one of the most difficult things i have done.

since i am still in the stage of crying at the mention of leaving, hearing a song that reminds me of my time here, looking at pictures of my babies brings tears to my eyes i'm not quite up for the blog-post about leaving...it will come. eventually.

until then: i appreciate and cherish your prayers and look forward to seeing all of you in the MI Mitten soon!

transition

as a fair warning here are some things that may be different when i come home:

- i say things like "gai!" or "yai yay!" instinctively (depending on the tribe i wish to associate with that day)

- i say "we-wee" (pronounced weigh-weigh) when something is exciting

- when you use the word "smart" i think you're referring to good looks

- i rule at all round-a-bouts.

- i am a generally more aggressive driver and am taken aback by stoplights which mean that i actually am GIVEN the right to go? and nobody will cut me off? crazy.

- i pass people too often.

- i feel as though my arms are empty when going out without a child in them.

- i struggle to find simple english words because the only word that comes to mind is kiswahilli

- i generally re-arrange sentences...aka: speak kenyan english.

- i feel funny about my skin color being the majority?

- i shake hands whenever i meet you.

- i crave all good foods and get overly excited about having access to those foods when i crave them

- i feel more comfortable putting clothes on the line to dry than using a drier.

- i cry at the drop of a hat because i miss my babies or aunties.

- i am elated at the fact that there is consistent water and power available

- i am picky about tortillas because i either am comparing them to chapati or seeing them through the eyes of a texan. (i still hate country music but i DO love a good tortilla)

- i eat mangos no matter how expensive because 1) i love them and 2) they remind me of kenya.

and probably a few other things that i don't even realize because they are so normal here.

photo of the week (2)

because its officially my last week and i am taking as many photos as i can get there are 2 this week. and will probably be more to come.

not sure how i am going to separate myself from this little boy!??!

photo of the week

visiting a Masai village. talk about cultural experience.

what did YOU do today??

I sat within reach of a huge lion.

no big deal.

note: the bit of nervousness in my smile. i was that close.

and then i saw a cheetah scavenging at night.

fyi: the mara is AMAZING!

Hopey's Visit!

Today Hopey came back to the baby house today with her mama! it is required during the fostering period for babies and their parents to return to the baby house 1x per month for "evaluation" and to help them transition from our home to their new home. it was SO great to see Hope!

She warmed up quickly and loved visiting with her friends and the aunties! It was fun to see her remember the bedrooms, her favorite toys, and every part of the house.

it took her a long time to eat her food because she kept turning around to visit with tracy in the kitchen, greet miah, julia and lizzie not to mention the poor girl was bombarded with us loving on her!

please note her VERY kenyan dress. this is in their opinion her "very best"! but in our opinion we see sparkles, bright orange and very uncomfortable outfit...and a word we could only make out as being...italian?

she has definitely grown tall, dark from the sun (and chubby too!) and is walking all over the place! and she, as well as her mama, are genuinely VERY happy. It was reassuring for us to see that she was attached to her mom but still loved visiting and felt right back at home when she walked into the baby house.

What an awesome blessing to see this beautiful girl before i left the country as well as see her so happy with her forever family!

song of the trip

here is one of the two songs that has been consistently on my heart and mind throughout the whole trip. speaks to men, women and children of Kenya who are able to change the world through God's love.

Brothers, let us come together
Walking in the Spirit, there's much to be done...
We will come reaching, out from our comforts
And they will know us by our love...

Sisters, we were made for kindness
We can pierce the darkness as He shines through us...
We will come reaching, with a song of healing...
And they will know us by our love!

The time is now
Come Church arise...
Love with His hands
See with His eyes...
Bind it around you,
Let it never leave you,
And they will know us by our love...

Children, You are hope for justice,
Stand firm in the Truth now, set your hearts above
You will be reaching, long after we’re gone,
And they will know you by your love!

Christy Nockles- By Our Love

photo of the week

after a long night Annabelle usually wakes around 6:30..an hour before I get up and quickly get ready to start the day. i have come to love this time since i give in and we both sleep for the remaining hour. sleeping with and praying over this precious girl is a gift i can't fully explain.

enjoying the moment

(disclaimer: sappy post. its bound to happen)

the reality of having 2 weeks left in this country has hit me hard the last few days.

yes i am looking forward to being home. to having a hot shower with actual water pressure, eating good american food (such as a zingerman's sandwhich which i have had dreams about). but the thought of leaving the aunties, my babies, the women at the shop and the boys makes my stomach hurt and makes me cry daily.

but i know that this trip is coming to an end. and i have been consciously soaking in every single moment...seeing the joys and being thankful for the small things, the moments that i will miss when i am home. today i have seen God in even the moments that have become a hassle or a frustration over the last 4 months.

so today:

- I enjoy the one-on-one time with Tracy laughing and talking about life while cleaning what felt like 43,728 dirty dishes.

- I memorize the sound of David's belly laugh while i tickle him during the dreaded 5pm-6pm before dinner hour.

- I spend the morning break not showering as planned but walking around the compound hand in hand with miah, chasing chickens, kicking balls and finding bugs.

- I focus on annabelle sleeping on my chest while listening to the children's sing-a-long video that I have seen every day since being here.

- I laugh with Lizzie who thinks that Joseph shaking his milk is the funniest thing she's ever seen rather than focus on the milk puddle.

- I deal with the nasty smell of literally 5 pounds of ugali because I know it means that tonight the boys will get a filling GOOD meal while visiting the baby house.

- I celebrate with EVERY person in the house when Miah actually pooped IN the potty even though it meant getting that stupid potty out every hour.

God is here and I am so thankful for every moment of these last 3+ months and cherish these last 2 weeks. I am praying that I continue to see Him in the small things, and that each one of these people I love will feel this love and will know a fraction of how they have each changed my life.

epic battle

since the rains have come in Nakuru, so have the mosquitoes.

which means i WILL get eaten alive.

and each bite WILL swell up to the size of a huge welt.

my arms look like i have some sort of peculiar disease...

i have found most mosquito attacks come at night and i may be paranoid but i feel like they are just WAITING for me to fall asleep to attack..

so tonight i arm arming myself with:

- a plug-in bug repellent.

- bug spray on my person.

- room bug repellent sprayed 45 min prior to room use as directed on bottle.

i smell terrible but at least i wont have MORE bites (hopefully)

Goodbye Solomon

Yesterday we got a call from the children's department saying there was a mama looking for her 1.5 year old son and they asked if we could come and identify if it was Solomon, the boy we took in from the children's department a few weeks prior.

Turned out it was Solomon's mother! and turns out our Solomon is really Caleb! She had told his father to take him to the hospital to get medication for a cold and the father abandoned Caleb on the way. The mother has not heard from the father since and was told by people in the community her son was abandoned and brought to the police station...starting her on the journey to us to find Caleb!

We had him for one more night, in order for courts to move custody from our home back to his mother's care. When we walked in after meeting his mother we called him "Caleb!" and he was VERY excited and kept repeating it clearly! "Caleb! Caleb! Mimi!(me!)"

Today we brought him to his mother and you could see the relief on her face! two weeks without your baby boy is a long time! That's also evident because he was indeed attached to us and our home: he was happy to see his mother but was NOT happy when we walked away...shows how quickly our babies feel at home. but his mother's love is definitely more important and where he belongs!

We love you little Solomon and were blessed by your adorable smile, laugh and love!

New baby Winnie!

today we welcomed the second new baby girl to the baby house! Welcome, 3 day old baby Winnie!

She was found by 2 students on the side of the road in a plastic bag still covered in afterbirth, then brought to a police station then to our home.

she is a VERY calm, quite alert little girl!!

now my baby has an "age-mate" and is the BIG one of the two of them! crazy how fast they grow!

we are thrilled to have another beautiful baby girl in our home! Welcome Winnie!

photo of the week

handsome boy.

the shop

photos of the "blog-neglected" knitting shop :)

kenyan accent

i just said: "lizzie, sit well and take your water now" without even thinking about it.

talk about speaking in kenyan english.

yikes.

morning workout

all kiswahili music CDs in the house are played on the TV which means....MUSIC VIDEOS!

the girls in the house always watch their favorites in the morning while cleaning and taking tea before the babies wake up and just recently have gotten into a routine i highly approve of...

learning the music video dances.

and these are AFRICANNN music video dances. like jumping, twirling, squatting, rolling around type dances.

these leave all of us breathless and sweating by the end of each song but are so fun that its SO worth it! and i realize that i am a real white girl dancing next to 5 africans, but i have to say i can keep up (but am still working on the Masai "body-jump-and-roll" move...)

it is the PERFECT way to start the day with my favorite African women.

all the summer weddings i am attending this year, WATCH OUT!

african dances and yells will be in attendance!

All of God's Children

today i heard the following song which made me really stop and think:

"It's the song of the redeemed rising from the African plain

It's the song of the forgiven drowning out the Amazon rain

The song of the Asian believers filled with God's holy fire.

It's every tribe, every tongue, every nation

A love song born of a grateful choir

It's all God's children singing Glory, Glory, Hallelujah, He reigns He reigns

It's all God's children singing Glory, Glory, Hallelujah, He reigns, He reigns."

God has blessed me with incredible opportunities to see His world. and i then realized how real this song is to me...

I am in Africa, am blessed to see, interact and really know people who are God's redeemed children

I have been with the beautiful South American people who cherish and love God as their Savior

and the South Koreans I love couldn't be described BETTER than being "filled with God's Holy Fire"- their passion in worship is unlike anyone I have ever known.

as i begin to process coming back to the States God reminded me that His children are indeed all over the world, and they all sing the same song to our Lord, giving Him the Glory. and we will all be together, singing our love song to Him. together. and that is PRETTY AMAZING!

photo of the week

even after sleepless nights i love looking at the end of my messy bed in the morning and seeing this beautiful bundle.

the babies understand.

its crazy how different things feel around the house when babies come and go through adoption. i love seeing God's plan for each baby come out through meeting their families but it hurts when we look at empty highchairs or only get 4 bumbos out for "watching time" rather than 6.

we obviously realize what is going on when hope and eli left... and it is becoming more and more obvious that the older kids realize as well:

julia talking about how she wants hope and eli but knows they are with mama and baba.

miah today mentioning eli then asked:

"miah, where is eli?"

"with mama"

"with mama and juju??" (since he calls trena mama)

"no! with mama and baba eli!"

obviously...lizzie understands her fellow girl in the house of crazy boys is leaving...

these kids get it. and share the tears and the excitement we feel when one of their "siblings" goes to be with their families.

stares

at the beginning i noticed the stares that i get on a regular basis....then as time went by i kind of got used to them, not really noticing kind of forgetting that i am often one of the only white people in sight..

until i went to the public hospital with annabelle and solomon today to get immunizations and then i realized:

yes i really was the ONLY white person in the entire hospital.

and yes i was a mzungu holding a kenyan baby.

hence the BLATANT stares. like mouths hanging open, staring over their shoulders type of stares. auntie jully and i had quite a lot of fun with it :)

meanwhile: my baby is turning dark! and i love it!

when she was first born she was light and had REALLY dark ears. (note ears/face differences)

everyone said that means that she will change and become much darker...and indeed it's true. behold my black beautiful baby. (this pic is at 6:30am after a long night...both of us clearly WIDE awake. aka: she was. i was not)

lou lou

bright-eyed and full of joy!

footballer

i always kind of looked sceptically at those kids who were placed in sports when they were toddlers...is that really necessary?

now i know why.

miah IS a footballer.

this kid is 2 years old and can run along with a ball kicking it 4 or 5 times in a row....rather than the typical toddler run to the ball, stop, kick, repeat.

he can drop kick.

he can kick any ball in the air.

and he is 95% always straight on.

today i helped him learn how to head the ball.

he'll master it soon i'm sure.

and he is always happiest when he has any ball in hand. he wakes up and wants a ball, he goes to sleep holding a football.

he needs to be in a football league.

i no longer judge, this kid's got natural talent.

photo of the week

i love looking down and seeing this precious girl wrapped to me.

i want to cradle wrap her every day.

God's timing

On our way home from visiting our mamas at the knitting shop we got a call from the children's department saying that there was an abandoned boy and we welcomed baby boy Solomon to haven of Hope!

He is probably 1 1/2 years old, is able to walk, speaks clear Kiswahili, and is very happy to be in a home, clean and dry!

He came to us in a VERY stylish knit orange outfit. nice.

God has been really good in showing us His timing and provision over these kids, the home and ministry. Today we also met and began the fostering of our precious boy Eli. As we are loosing these babies we began to worry what it would be to have so few babies in the home...but the day Hopey met her mother? God blessed us with baby Annabelle. the day we met Eli's parents? here comes Solomon...God gives, and takes away. as the season of caring and loving Eli comes to a close we begin a new season with Solomon.

and seeing Eli's parents confirms that God's plans for these kids are GOOD. They are from Nairobi, both police officers. His father has a great spirit, full of joy, just like his little boy. Eli has a dad to look up to, and follow in his footsteps.

this little boy is so special. Hilarious. Beautiful. Full of complete Joy. and has incredible potential.

I will so miss waking Eli in the morning, seeing his beautiful smile getting hugs and kisses from him. laughing at his funny antics and loving him with my whole heart.

mix of emotions

it has been a very emotional, busy week here at the baby house, experiencing a lot of firsts...the biggest being the first adoption of a haven of hope baby.

little hopey went home this week to be with her forever mama.

having worked in the states with adoption/foster care i have been excitedly waiting to see the process unfold: getting to know hope for who God made her to be, loving her deeply, celebrating with the news of her being approved for adoption, getting chills when reading her mama's file which was immediately sent to us and then watching her bond, and go home with her new family, one that will love her and care for her as their own.

Mama Hope is a young widow who lives in the village who has experienced great loss. She has a lot of love to give and we immediately saw this love for Hopey when Mama first saw her. We are confident that Hope's love, cuddles, laugh and will share Jesus with her new family.

and though it was a very sad, emotional, day i am excited and at peace with knowing that Hope is with her family. which is all i want for her. but wow i will miss this little girl.

me with all my babies and aunties (minus one who was on her off)....

maybe this is God's way of spreading out the "goodbyes" and making it less heartbreaking for me in 5 weeks...eh, probably going to be just as hard. wishful thinking.

taste of oreos

in the care package from steph, she sent me oreos. which are indeed treasured here.

but because i love these kids, when eli and miah were in my room i let them try one.

based on this video...i think they liked it.

awesome.

promise of blessing.

while awake with Annabelle at night i was reading psalm 103.

and started to weep because it says:

"praise the Lord O my soul...who redeems my life from the pit and crowns me with love and compassion"

this is a promise for this little girl that is incredibly clear.

she was in a literal pit.

God saved her life.

and CROWNS her with love and compassion, the opposite of everything in the pit.

our Father loves her so much he removed her from hell on earth and puts her in warm clothes and blankets, giving her Jesus' love through us, and reminds us of His love, grace and hope every time we look at her.

i love this little one.

photo of the week

Eli is awesome at block building. and he's very proud. and adorable.

Welcome Annabelle!

we are very excited to welcome precious 1 day old baby Annabelle to our haven of hope family!

God saved this beautiful baby out of the pit. we got a call this afternoon from the local police station: a woman found Annabelle in a plastic bag in a pit latrine and dug her out, kept her for the night and then brought her to the police station this morning.

the woman who saved her life is named Ann...Trena and I thought that was one of the final choices of names, when we went to the home, without telling the girls our thoughts, Maggie emphatically said "her name should be Annabelle!" and it indeed fits her well!

auntie jully giving her first bottle when she came home.

She is now clean, dry, and happily sleeping next to me (as hopefully she will continue to do!) she eats very well about an ounce at a time. after going to the hospital for a check-up she is very healthy, just swollen eyes and an infected umbilical cord (which when we got her was tied with yarn. now is clean and clamped) from being in the latrine. with antibiotics should be cleared within the week.

we are blessed to have this little girl and already know God has great plans for her!

off to sleep while she is sleeping!